…but what if it’s your own mother?

As I am still enjoying my überlong stay here in Europe, (I am presently writing from Dresden, Germany) there is something that has been on my mind for a while now. It’s not easy for me to write about this, and frankly I may not even publish it, but yet I feel a strong desire to blog about it and very interested in what people may have to say.

When I first decided to stay in Europe for a while, The idea was to travel extensively without rushing from place to place, but also connect with family and friends.

My mom lives in Berlin, and said I’d be crazy not to stay with her while visiting Berlin. To some of you this might seem like an odd statement, like, of course you would stay with your mom, duh! I have tried staying with my mom in the past while visiting Berlin and it didn’t go so well. It never did in fact, not when visiting alone or with my children. My mom and I just don’t have a loving mother daughter relationship, nor did we ever. We are literally strangers to each other, and even though I have tried so many times over the years to change that, I was always confronted with a sense that it really doesn’t matter to her wether I’m in her life or not. I want to add that since she has been with her boyfriend of seven years now, my brother and I get texts, pictures and emails from him. From him not my mom. It is always me who calls and asks what she is doing, how she is feeling. She would tell me about her trips, her friends that seem to never do anything right in her eyes, or how without her, this or that would have not been done right. She won’t ask about her grandchildren, nor about what I’m doing or how I’m doing. Mostly when we hang up, I’m left feeling somewhat drained and also sad because she never has any questions for me or shows any interest in what we are doing.

So I asked her one evening why she never takes the initiative to call or even write a text or email me. She stated she hates cellphones and will never use it. She has her very own cellphone and carries it with her everywhere. I said, isn’t it wonderful that you can connect instantly with another person, even see them while on another continent. No more waiting for pictures in the mail, they are always with you. It’s a great way to connect with family. I know it’s nice to get a letter in the mail, but this is the new way now, you don’t even have to wait for the mailman. It’s faster and so much more convenient and freeeeeee!

I have a love/hate relationship with technology, too, but if it means I can stay connected to my kids I will learn.

Her response: I’m not going to do it and you can’t make me. It was a heated argument at this point, and the fact that I mentioned she could use the regular house phone if she hates her cell phone didn’t help either. Honestly, this whole thing wasn’t even about no damn cellphone. Things from my childhood were brought up again, not sure of the context, but suddenly I felt like a child again who could do nothing right.

My mom is, and always has been very good at gaslighting me. I think, and obviously I’m no expert, that this is her way of dealing with guilt. She literally twisted my entire childhood around to be able to live with her version of why she sent me away to this home for bad girls at the age of 15.

It may have been the only way to deal with that decision for her, but I forgave her a long time ago and told her so many times, even though I never received an answer from her as to why she sent me away in the first place. I accepted it, let’s move on. Carl Jung said, ” I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” I became strong and dependable, yet I had to learn to walk away from relationships that are not healthy, including my marriage of 24 years in which I was a codependent. So then, what if it’s your own mother? Do I walk away from that relationship and is it even a relationship? I call her because I feel in my heart that I want to hear her voice, want to hear how she is doing, even with the unwanted feelings it leaves me. I said yes to her invitation to stay with her because I had hopes that this time it would be different. I can be an optimist, but mostly I’m a realist. I am not staying with her any longer. In fact, I moved out 2 1/2 weeks ago. Is a long distance relationship the best I can hope for?

“Ich bin ein Berliner”…

…Is a quote from President John F. Kennedy in a speech given 1963 in West Berlin. In President Reagan’s speech in 1987 he said: “Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall” I remember this speech, but was already in the United States. He visited Berlin in 1982 and was met by tons of demonstrators. I lived in a commune in the district of Schöneberg right behind Winterfeld Platz, a hot bed for what seemed like daily demonstrations for or against something. It was an amazing time and place to be in. Our commune was on the fifth floor in a Belle Époque era building with no elevator. The heat was supplied by us going into what seemed like a dungeon like basement with dirt on the floor, minimal lighting and a musty smell. I remember I liked that smell though, old and mysterious, although I would never go by myself. With my enamel buckets in hand I would fill both with bricks of coal and ascend the 5 floors. Lots of times we would wait for the boyfriends to come to do this chore, lol. I found this picture on Pinterest to give you an idea just how beautiful my heater was. Floor to ceiling! Below that are pictures of the building today. Pink? Really?

When I moved in, the heater was an ugly black. Punks lived the before me, but I painted it a beautiful ivory. Today I would probably remove all paint and restore it to its original tile.

Sorry just rambling on. So aaaaaanyway, every time I come back to this city I still feel this same energy. Yes, sure, lots has changed, but also lots has not. It’s true, I think we tend to romanticize some things from our past, but having again spent more time here, not necessarily doing all the touristy things, but submerging in the local culture, I can honestly say, I could live here again. I recently mentioned this to my brother and he said: No. Remember: It’s summer now. People do not put on their ugly faces ”

He didn’t say ugly, but I can’t seem to find a good translation.

I don’t know, every town, every country and every government has its own good, bad and ugly side. I find the Germans friendlier these days for the most part. I already found that to be true when I came in 2017 with the fam. As long as they are in front of you at least. Different story when you have to deal with them over the phone. It’s complicated, nothing can be done, period!🙄

Berlin has always been one giant construction site. Always building, tearing down, and building again. I can only image what it was like the many years after the wall came down. They did an amazing job restoring the old neglected buildings and river banks in the east.

If you love art, you won’t have enough time to experience all that Berlin has to offer. From the old and traditional, to the modern and the underground, it’s all present.

I am staying across The street from an old air raid bunker that was built in 1943, initially to house up to 3000 Reichs Train travelers in case of an air raid, but soon was anything from a dried fruit storage, to a prisoner of war camp, to a hard core techno club among other things and was purchased by the artist Christian Boros in 2003. He lives on top, penthouse style and houses his acquired art in the remaining bunker. For €15 you can get a guided tour. Just waiting for my friend to arrive so we can go. There are still bullet holes from WWII visible.

I also went to a Dali exhibition that had some of his lesser known works of art. For an extra €3 you were able to take pictures inside. I took lots🤓

There is so much more. I’m finding out that blogging is not as easy as it might seem. It’s all still stuck up there in my head. I won’t give up though, or maybe I’ll get a ghost writer, or maybe it will just click one day and the flood gates will be released. 🤮

Auf Wiedersehen for now

Thank you, and good bye

The last 4 days on the Camino were noisy and busy, but just as beautiful. I think it’s the Caminos way of preparing you for your life off the trail again. The landscape here in Galicia is so lush and green. Foggy and moist in the mornings, until the fog dissipates and turns into warm sunshine. I hit one super rainy day leaving Arzúa and wished for nothing but my blanky and a hot cup of tea once I reached the hostel.

As I walked toward Santiago de Compostela I heard a plane flying over my head and suddenly I had tears in my eyes. This was it then, the end of my Camino. I knew early into my walk that I will come back again, but nonetheless, for now I’m saying good bye, and thank you. Thank you for giving me the time and space I needed to breathe, walk, and figure some things out. 713 miles, 29 days of meeting so many wonderful people, experiencing many different emotions, learning some important lessons, letting go of things that did not serve me any longer, sleeping in many different beds, tasting some wonderful and interesting foods and great wines, and seeing beautiful landscapes along the way.

I walked into Santiago with Tom from Texas. We met a day earlier, had lovely conversations, and he asked if I would mind if he walked with me the rest of the way. There was a great sense of excitement and laughter on the trail that day, and the city was buzzing with all these different energies. Coming through the gate and walking onto the plaza I felt the presence of all the people that have made this pilgrimage before me, dating all the way back to the 9th century.

Tom and I had a very nice lunch and parted ways. I went back to the plaza and sat there for a long time, just watching people celebrating their own arrivals.

The next day and a half I took in all the sights and sounds, said good bye to people I met along the way, enjoyed some amazing foods and also decided to go to the Peregrino office to see how long the line might be to get the official certificate. Wouldn’t ya know it, all in all it took less than 15 minutes. I was not going to get it, as people have been saying the lines are 3 + hours long. The cathedral was closed and there was no mass, I missed the bus to Finisterre, but went to the museum next to the cathedral.

I’m looking forward to the next time.

Good bye Santiago de Compostela, and hello Berlin🙂

La Cruz de ferra

Yesterday I reached the highest point on my Camino journey, la cruz de ferra,or the iron cross.

Legend says it has been placed there in the 12 century. The original iron cross is in the Gaudi museum in Astorga, which I visited. There are many stories surrounding the reason it has been placed there, but for pilgrims it is an important milestone other than it being the highest point.

People leave what they need to leave there. As for me, I forgot all of the things I deemed precious and spiritual and worthy of leaving there at home. Ok, no problem. I believe stones, or any earthly material holds very special powers. On my way from Rabanal to the cross I came across MY special stone. I’m not sure why no one saw it, as it was in plain sight right along the Camino. I’m thinking it was for me and my eyes only.

It was a beautiful heart shaped stone. I have found lots of heart shaped stones over the years and this one was just as beautiful and had great energy. On my ascend to the cross I began to pray on it, added my words, my wishes, my affirmations, my gratefulness, my burdens, and my own energy to my stone. Yet, as I was nearing the cross, I felt this urge to keep it. The stone was mine now, it held even more special energy than it did when I found it. This stone was supposed to release the burdens, to manifest, to let go and trust, yet I wanted to hold on to it. I even started looking for a replacement stone. Was I not ready to let go of whatever needed to be released, and am I not clear yet on why I embarked on this journey in the first place? I walked with that for a while, slowly relinquishing my desire to keep my stone and slowly understanding that this was part of my journey and my reason for being here.

I placed my stone right along the thousands of other stones that created a mountain around the base of the pole, and as I walked down that little mountain I physically felt lighter as if whatever I left behind was weighing me down.

Culture, super powers, and a lovely surprise

I’m spending two nights in León. It’s a bigger city, and I’m enjoying the sights and sounds. There is Gaudi, the cathedral, eeeeeendless cafés, restaurant and bars. I was walking around Old town today and was thinking what I want my superpower to be today. It really took me by surprise because I don’t generally go around thinking: Hm, let’s see, what do I want my superpower to be today. Ok, well I played along. As I hear all these beautiful languages, I would love to have the ability to speak and understand all of them. Wouldn’t it be great if we could speak each others languages. When people don’t speak a foreign language fluently like the natives a lot gets lost in translation. I know, because I felt like a 10 year old sometimes when I first moved to the US, not being able to make myself understood the way I would in my native tongue German. So yeah, that’s what I want my superpower to be today. Pow💥What superpower do wish you had today? Care to share it?

So I mentioned before, or maybe not, it’s not the easiest thing to pack up and sleep in a different bed every day. The place I’m calling home for 2 nights is actually a hotel. A very nice one. With room service❣️

No need to suffer endlessly, lol. Yup, don’t mind if I do order me some room service. It was actually kind of a surprise, I knew it was a nice hotel but didn’t think to look up the amenities, I was craving a fresh salad so much. Yes, they are hard to come by in the smaller towns. Let me tell you, salad never tasted so good.

It is beautiful to roam through the countryside all day, but I grew up having the best of both worlds. My grandma lived in a little village, about a two hour drive from Berlin, and I got to spend a lot of time there, playing in the fields, the barns, the streams. Berlin was the opposite. Mostly concrete jungle with so many new and exciting things all the time, and I’m so grateful I got to experience all of that. Today I still need that balance between country and city life. I always know when it’s time to leave one for the other.

I’m saying good night and leaving you with these 2 shots. The wheat fields are golden in some places and harvest in near. I’m standing in an alley of “Spanish brooms” so fragrant 🌸

Embracing the darker side of this adventure

Today marks my 15th day on the Camino, and for the past 2 days I had a not so fun and adventurous time. I was actually questioning my reasons for deciding to walk the whole Camino versus just a part of it. My left foot started hurting again, and I was trying hard to focus on something positive. My physical limitations didn’t exactly help with that. It’s easy to slip into a dark place and wonder if I will be able to continue or will this get worse, and would that mean I need to abort my mission. Today I can honestly say I would rather not move on, not only because of my foot, but I’m longing to stay in one place for a period of time. Moving from hostel to hostel sleeping in a different bed is starting to wear on me. Thank god I have Rumpl, my space age blanket friend to keep me warm. It’s seriously like my little security blanket that hangs out with me like a good friend.

So I sit here doing therapy on my foot. The pain is in such a weird place, on the medial side of my mid foot. I’m just glad I took my therapy balls, massage therapist, Reiki practitioner and a few homeopathic remedies with me. It gets better after I work on it, so let’s hope it’s just from overuse and will eventually get used to the long distance walks.

I see the impact long distance walking has on people every day, as young and old have to cut their journey short because of injury and, man have I seen some nasty blisters along the way. One younger guy had one giant blister going across his entire foot. Physical injury or exhaustion is one thing, but there is also the mental part of feeling overwhelmed or emotionally drained. You suddenly have so much time on your hands with nothing to do but walk and turn inward. Stuff comes up, and as I always say, it’s all perception. In my case I feel the pain, I questioned my motives, I wallowed in misery and self-pity for a time and then finally realized once again I always have choices.

I was looking for a fitting quote and found this:

It sure does help to write things down. I’m writing a lot in my journal, and I am so grateful that I get to share some of my personal experiences and adventures with you all. Whatever I’m doing and learning here will help me not only better understand and learn about myself, my triumphs, limitations, my ability to problem solve, but it will help me help my clients find their own path as well, in a compassionate, loving, and kind way

No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again

Buddha❤️

Off day

Spending 2 nights in Burgos proved to be the perfect amount of rest I needed. I wanted one complete off day where I didn’t need to pack or unpack. The luggage transfer is well worth the $5 euros per day. I met up with Grit again, one of the German girls from Rostock who walked with her heavy backpack every day. She said she finally had enough, wanted to enjoy her walk and sent it ahead. The beauty is that you can start or stop this service any time. There is no need to schedule it ahead like I did. Usually when I arrive at my destination my suitcase is already waiting for me, sometimes even in my room if it’s a private one. This time when I arrived in Burgos my suitcase wasn’t there yet. I called the number I have saved in case I needed it, and they apologized saying there are 2 pensione with that name in Burgos. The driver who delivered the luggage left for the day, but he called a taxi which then went to the other place, picked up the luggage and voilá 🎶with a knock on my room door it has arrived safe and sound. I mean, if it was lost I have insurance that would cover that. It just means a shopping trip to an outdoor adventure store. How horrible🙂

I went to the cathedral of Saint Mary at Burgos on Sunday. I’m telling you right now that none of the pictures I’m sharing here do it justice. It was just breathtakingly magnificent. Now, I don’t belong to any organized religion, but love visiting all churches. I find that the catholic ones are usually among the most ornate. The symbolism is incredible, and I wish that when you are handed the language interpretation thingy it would tell at least some of those stories.

Burgos as so many other cities in Europe has a very walkable Old town. It was founded in 884. The Arlanzón river is running right through it and makes for beautiful walks along its banks.