…but what if it’s your own mother?

As I am still enjoying my überlong stay here in Europe, (I am presently writing from Dresden, Germany) there is something that has been on my mind for a while now. It’s not easy for me to write about this, and frankly I may not even publish it, but yet I feel a strong desire to blog about it and very interested in what people may have to say.

When I first decided to stay in Europe for a while, The idea was to travel extensively without rushing from place to place, but also connect with family and friends.

My mom lives in Berlin, and said I’d be crazy not to stay with her while visiting Berlin. To some of you this might seem like an odd statement, like, of course you would stay with your mom, duh! I have tried staying with my mom in the past while visiting Berlin and it didn’t go so well. It never did in fact, not when visiting alone or with my children. My mom and I just don’t have a loving mother daughter relationship, nor did we ever. We are literally strangers to each other, and even though I have tried so many times over the years to change that, I was always confronted with a sense that it really doesn’t matter to her wether I’m in her life or not. I want to add that since she has been with her boyfriend of seven years now, my brother and I get texts, pictures and emails from him. From him not my mom. It is always me who calls and asks what she is doing, how she is feeling. She would tell me about her trips, her friends that seem to never do anything right in her eyes, or how without her, this or that would have not been done right. She won’t ask about her grandchildren, nor about what I’m doing or how I’m doing. Mostly when we hang up, I’m left feeling somewhat drained and also sad because she never has any questions for me or shows any interest in what we are doing.

So I asked her one evening why she never takes the initiative to call or even write a text or email me. She stated she hates cellphones and will never use it. She has her very own cellphone and carries it with her everywhere. I said, isn’t it wonderful that you can connect instantly with another person, even see them while on another continent. No more waiting for pictures in the mail, they are always with you. It’s a great way to connect with family. I know it’s nice to get a letter in the mail, but this is the new way now, you don’t even have to wait for the mailman. It’s faster and so much more convenient and freeeeeee!

I have a love/hate relationship with technology, too, but if it means I can stay connected to my kids I will learn.

Her response: I’m not going to do it and you can’t make me. It was a heated argument at this point, and the fact that I mentioned she could use the regular house phone if she hates her cell phone didn’t help either. Honestly, this whole thing wasn’t even about no damn cellphone. Things from my childhood were brought up again, not sure of the context, but suddenly I felt like a child again who could do nothing right.

My mom is, and always has been very good at gaslighting me. I think, and obviously I’m no expert, that this is her way of dealing with guilt. She literally twisted my entire childhood around to be able to live with her version of why she sent me away to this home for bad girls at the age of 15.

It may have been the only way to deal with that decision for her, but I forgave her a long time ago and told her so many times, even though I never received an answer from her as to why she sent me away in the first place. I accepted it, let’s move on. Carl Jung said, ” I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” I became strong and dependable, yet I had to learn to walk away from relationships that are not healthy, including my marriage of 24 years in which I was a codependent. So then, what if it’s your own mother? Do I walk away from that relationship and is it even a relationship? I call her because I feel in my heart that I want to hear her voice, want to hear how she is doing, even with the unwanted feelings it leaves me. I said yes to her invitation to stay with her because I had hopes that this time it would be different. I can be an optimist, but mostly I’m a realist. I am not staying with her any longer. In fact, I moved out 2 1/2 weeks ago. Is a long distance relationship the best I can hope for?

Author: Content may shift

I will have to revisit this and add content here soon. Stay tuned🙂

8 thoughts on “…but what if it’s your own mother?”

  1. Adversity builds character. Difficult childhoods make for more interesting adults. Ur full of beautiful character traits n fabulously interesting momma. I have a similar mother/daughter situation. I have devoted myself to my two sons in waYs that my mother did not. I choose not to perpetuate the hurt and disappointment that has come from her. I love u doll.❤❤❤❤❤🥰

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  2. We can’t choose our biological family. We can however, end up with the people we want as family. Just because she’s your mother, you’re under no obligation to have a close relationship or any relationship with her. If she wasn’t your mother, would you have a relationship with this person? You walked away from being an enabler in your marriage. Maybe consider you might be one in this case too. It’s never an easy decision sistergirl. More often than not, you already know the answer. ❤

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    1. Gloria, thank you for wonderful insight. Sorry it took me while, hanging with friends in Berlin🙂
      I never thought about codependency with my mom, but you might be right. Whenever I make the decision to remove myself from that kind of environment people are generally surprised, as I don’t ever just say or threaten it, I just do it, and I do it quietly.
      Much love, Claudia

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  3. Greetings beautiful one
    There is a thought that families are like giant hanging mobiles, each family member having heft and weight. Whenever a piece changes, the whole mobile is changed – often seemingly off-balence. The mobile is forever out-of-balence, or so it seems. The mobile may release the changed piece in an effort to regain balence.
    This is an opportunity for huge spiritual growth, for both parts.
    This is the way of karma.
    Only out of discomfort does one change!
    Mothers are held in respect and mystery – respect as they sacrifice so much and mystery because of the unpredictability.
    If we see our mothers as our origin, then we can see our future with different lenses.
    Take comfort in the liberation, find peace in your truth and most of all – love all of yourself, there is only one you.
    Much Light and Love
    Sristarlady

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    1. What a beautiful analogy. Thank you, and I’m sorry it took me a minute to answer. Maybe that’s why I like mobiles so much. I’ve always been fascinated by the need for balance within the structure and had a few of my own. I was thinking of creating a few myself when I come home.
      I am learning to let go of those that choose not to be part of my life, but sometimes questions still creep up as to why that is. I don’t really spend too much time wondering, as I always say there could be a thousand different reasons as to why that is. I will never know until I get a direct answer. Thank you for wise insight💜

      In peace and harmony
      Claudia

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  4. Hi Claudia, it’s Kathie Corbett from yoga classes in SJC. I’m still on my adventure in Alaska, presently in Yukon Canada. Thanks for your emails, love reading them. I’ve found so many similarities with our Moms. My Mom had 5 daughters and never had a Mother/Daughter relationship with any of us. I hid behind booze. I believed it was the only way I could deal with her. I stopped drinking after she died. I regret so much now. I just wanted to say it’s harder once someone is gone. As bad as it was, I miss my mom. For what it’s worth, enjoy what you have. Please don’t take me wrong, I’m not criticizing you at all. I feel your sadness. I just had to except what I had. I do have, (very few) good memories. I cherish them. Take care, you might beat me back. I don’t expect to be home till late September. Love, Kathie

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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    1. Hi Kathie. Did not mean to keep you waiting this long. Time is running away with me. I really appreciate you sharing some of your own story, your feelings and how you are dealing with it all. I know I’m not alone and unique dealing with this unfortunate situation, but it really helps to talk about it and to hear other people’s perspectives. That was the reason I ultimately decided on publishing this story.
      I think about the time when I no longer have the opportunity to talk to my mother.It is already painful to think about that. I’m not giving up on her or me. I need space and time to heal every time I get together with her though. I just don’t allow myself to stay and wait. The negativity is just too overwhelming.
      I’d love to catch up when you get back. Can’t remember if you have my number.🤔I hope you’re having an amazing time. I’m in Prag right now and just loving this city. 💜
      Love, grace & gratitude
      Claudia

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